I spent the last two weeks working on a blog about finding grace in other people’s learning styles. You were even going to get a funny story about my son washing his dirty sneakers with his clothes (gross, I know!) in a “magical” washing machine. If that piqued your interest in any way, I’m sorry to break the news–that’s not what you’ll be getting today. Instead, you’ll be reading about the trials and tribulations of motherhood, and how sometimes being a mother hurts so bad. And, what exactly does this have to do with the workforce or career development, you ask? I promise there are some nuggets of wisdom at the end of this part sulk/part self-discovery story. Stick with me… 

The heart wants what the heart wants… I spent the last two weeks brainstorming ideas and organizing my thoughts about my original blog topic. With only a paragraph or two left to complete, I struggled to wrap it up. No matter how much effort the brain was putting towards constructing sentences about why we sometimes struggle with other people’s learning styles, my heart had an agenda of its own and was working overtime to make me an emotional mess. So, I gave in. I switched gears to tune in to the constant background noise that my heart was making and try to figure out what was making me feel so stuck. You see, my son is about to leave for his first “real” job, three hours away from home, to work as an assistant food and beverage manager at a country club. It wasn’t about the distance that made my heart feel heavy. It was all the “what ifs” that had my mind racing and fully wide-eyed at 3 am. His summer internship at a country club led him to discover how much he enjoyed the ins and outs of running a club. So of course, my heart did a happy dance when he was offered the assistant manager role at the club. I knew it would be a phenomenal opportunity for him to learn and grow. So then, what was with the constant lump in my throat and full-on ugly sob in the car during my daughter’s soccer practice, just thinking about his “amazing” opportunity?

I remember being the only dry-eyed mother at his Pre-k graduation. While moms wiped tears away to take their twentieth photo of their child holding up the macaroni art they worked on for weeks, I silently screamed for joy because: one–kindergarten was going to be a FULL day, and two–no more tuition. Yay! What’s the problem, Moms? Even when he went to Italy for four months to study abroad, I was anxious but never sad. The essay he submitted for that program was about the importance of going out of one’s comfort zone. He couldn’t wait to be uncomfortable in a new city, an unfamiliar country around new people. I was proud of him for understanding that growth can be painful but a tremendous opportunity for growth. This new job would offer him just that. And, I was thrilled for him! But…..why was it feeling so different this time? Unlike in the past, everything about this milestone felt like the unknown was infinite–the first time with no definitive end date. The idea of not knowing a general outcome felt daunting. Does it really make sense for him to work so hard only so that he has just enough to pay his expensive rent and other bills? He’ll be locked into a one-year apartment lease that will cost $5000 to break. What if he hates his job? Will he be lonely? How will his mental health be? How and when will he get to treat himself to something if most of his salary is going towards bills? Why didn’t we try to convince him to stay home for a year so that he could save money? The only holiday he gets off is Christmas…he won’t be home for Thanksgiving (sob)!? These were only a wee fraction of the million other questions that went through my head.

So, what does one do when panic sets in? Mama Bear to the rescue, of course! Right away, I hopped on the computer to research less expensive apartments; I tried to convince him to sacrifice the luxury of proximity to work and drive fifty minutes instead if it meant being able to live with a friend. I suggested short-term leases in case things didn’t work out; I even suggested other career ideas in case the country club thing didn’t work out. I couldn’t emphasize enough how crucial it was for him to save all his money; don’t be tempted to splurge on anything for at least a few months. Of course, I thought I was being helpful. It wasn’t until I noticed the horrible bags under his eyes and his confession to nightmares and lack of sleep, that I saw how over-stressed he was. The wrenching twist in my gut was telling–it was because of me. I was polluting his crystal clear pool of optimistic dreams and ambitions with my fear. I felt awful and knew I had to stop. But, Mama Bear wasn’t ready to back down quite yet. She came up with a brilliant solution instead–WE CAN HELP PAY FOR SOME OF HIS BILLS!! Duh, why didn’t I think of that earlier? That would’ve saved me from many sleepless nights. I told my husband that we should pay for his insurance so that he’d have extra spending money for the week. If we bought his furniture, he’d have quite the cushion in his bank account to alleviate some stress. And, I could make monthly visits to take him to Costco to help him stock up on all his basic needs! Without giving it much consideration, the hubby responded, “Ummm, no.” And I understood why…It wasn’t because he didn’t care or that he didn’t believe in him–it was the exact opposite. 

“Anna, you’re looking at this cup, half-full,” he pointed out. “Let’s give him a minute to figure it out on his own so he learns how to budget. Then, if he needs our help, we can help him. He’s a smart kid. I’m confident he’ll be okay.” Urgh..I hate to admit when he’s right. But, he was right. I was so focused on all that could go wrong that I ignored all the great skills he’d be gaining. I was suffocating his potential for growth with my stinking issues. And here comes the plot twist (that I, the author of this blog, wasn’t even expecting) that became the real a-ha moment…Mama Bear wasn’t “Mama Bear” –she wasn’t trying to protect, guide and swoop in for the rescue. Truth is, she was only a disguise for my need to control (sigh…). More specifically, my need to control the outcome so I wouldn’t have to feel pain and discomfort. My “protection” and “guidance” stemmed from fear, not from love. It’s true… It felt and looked like love, but all my actions were in attempts to catch a fall that he may or not make. I was doing everything in my power to avoid the hurt that comes with motherhood. As many mothers would agree, we tend to feel the pain of our children, ten times worse. And, that terrified me. Of course, there’s a time and place when Mama Bear needs to step in, but this time, my only job was to step aside. Give him space to build resilience. And to believe in him. 

So that was the “sulk” part of my story. Like motherhood, my self-discovery didn’t occur in a straight line. Sometimes it takes a good cry, trial and error, and a writing assignment to lead us to what we’re supposed to learn.  Now, on to the nuggets of wisdom that I promised you earlier. Three things I learned from this blog writing experience that I think are helpful in life, work, and any situation where we’re providing support: 

1. Like it was for my son, sometimes the best gift we can offer someone is to get out of the way. Let them fall. Let them rise. Let them figure it out. Ask yourself if swooping in to offer support, is in fact, support. Or is it a way to make you feel better in some way? We all have a path designated for each of us. It’s best if we leave it clear and open for them so they can navigate with clarity.
2. Be honest about your emotions and what you might be going through at the moment. Don’t run from them; invite them in. Trust me, you may think you’re hiding it, but it will creep up in unexpected ways. And like me, it’s a good possibility that it’s holding you back from what you’re trying to accomplish. Sometimes the only way to get to where you’re trying to get, is to go through it, not around it. Your emotions hold a lot of wisdom and provide insight to help you move forward instead of feeling stuck. Hear what they have to say.
3. As I mentioned, the heart wants what it wants. But sometimes that can be unclear and quite confusing, especially when fear and worry cloud the Truth. In this case, I thought my heart was saying, “Don’t go. You’re not ready.” But what it was really saying was, “Slow down time. I’m not ready.” How often do we project our own feelings onto someone else? It’s beneficial not only for us but for the greater good of all to explore our emotions to get to the root of the issue. To provide the best guidance that someone is seeking, the supporter needs to have clarity in their hearts and minds as well. 

I have no idea what the future holds for my son, and I’m learning to accept that that’s a beautiful thing…. I am leaning towards trusting the process and believing that everything is happening for him and not to him. I can’t promise that I’ll be in great shape once we part ways after moving him into his new apartment. I can’t promise that I won’t be worrying about him as I lie in bed at night. I can’t promise that I won’t persuade my family to bring Thanksgiving to him this year and convince them that all six of us can comfortably fit in his one-bedroom apartment. The one thing that I will promise is to try my best to stay out of the way. The best support I can offer him right now is to give him space to figure things out on his own so that he can be skilled, confident and prepared for when he is ready to fly. Go spread your wings, buddy. 

Anna French is a mom, wife, and yogi who recently stepped back into the workforce after being a full-time mother to her four children. During those precious years, she mastered the art of multi-tasking, problem-solving and organizational skills and had part-time positions as a production coordinator for Kiwi Magazine, a yoga teacher and volunteer at her children’s school. She joined WNY People Development in July 2022 to help with their events and stepped into the role as Operations Coordinator in January 2023. Anna graduated from Rutgers University with a degree in Communications and worked as a production manager for a marketing company before becoming a full-time mom. Originally from New Jersey, Anna and her family have been living in Wilmington, NC since 2013 where her daughters attend high school—her boys are, at NC State University. Traveling is a must for Anna. Getaways with her family is what she lives for, along with eating her way through all the local eateries! When Anna isn’t working or traveling, she works on her writing—stories, lessons and gained wisdom from her life experiences that she plans to share with her children one day.